Now-That Is Funny!

How to get even

kindagreywolf — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 13:32:21 GMT

Had to call support the other day.
You call, press 1 for English, listen to elevator music until a ?live? person answers.
I got disconnected 3 times before getting through.
A couple minutes into the conversation the guy asks, "Why do I hear a beep every time you ask a question"?
I quipped, "I am pressing one for English".
I want to call back but I am afraid he will hang up again.

the purina diet (funny joke)

kioteemee — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 12:45:47 GMT

The Purina Diet

Yesterday I was at my local Target buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Sheriff, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is that you load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's rear and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Target won't let me shop there anymore.

Help the US Economy

kindagreywolf — Sun, 01 Feb 2009 17:07:33 GMT

Below are some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending
your stimulus check wisely:
This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a
very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

"Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
"A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

"Q. Where will the government get this money?
"A. From taxpayers.

"Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
"A. Only a smidgen.

"Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
"A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a
high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

"Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
"A. Shut up!"
If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to
China.

If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.

If you purchase a computer it will go to India.

If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico,
Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).** *

** If you buy a car it will go to Japan.

If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.

And none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America. You can keep the money
in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend
it on prostitutes, beer (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the
only businesses still in the US.

teacher applicant

kindagreywolf — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 21:55:18 GMT

After being interviewed by the school administration, the teaching prospect said,
"Let me see if I've got this right: You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.
You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually- transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self-esteem and personal pride.
You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.
You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, and make sure that they all pass the state exams.
You want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps and communicate regularly with their parents by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.
You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.
You want me to do all this, and then you tell me...I CAN'T PRAY???!!!

From my email........

jd4fox23 — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 15:33:00 GMT

This was from an actual posting on Craigs List –

To the Guy Who Mugged Me (Downtown, Savannah)

Date: 2009-01-06, 3:43AM EST

I was the white guy with the Black Burberry jacket that you demanded. I handed it over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize.

I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that awesome Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? The shoulder holster is very concealing, wouldn't you say? It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head and the hammer is cocked, isn't it?

I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come with all that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster.

I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. I also called the D.A.'s office and made several threatening and derogatory phone calls – so don't be surprised when they come to talk to you. If case you want to know it was 78 degrees in Tokyo right before Alltel shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that – but good luck in resolving the charges and all the issues associated.

So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to you. I'm sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like to help you out. I'd like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated.

I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky. If you read this message, email me and we'll do lunch and laundry. Peace!

winter blonde joke

jd4fox23 — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 15:26:41 GMT

One winter morning a couple is listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, 'We are
going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through.' Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, 'We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through.' Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, 'We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...' Then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset and with a worried look on her face she says, 'Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?'

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes' exhibit, Norman says,
'Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time, honey?'

PA SLEEPS NAKED

jd4fox23 — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 15:07:00 GMT

> >
> > PA SLEEPS NAKED
> > "Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.
> >
> > "It ain't my fault this time, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this'un on
> > my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
> > Now, Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd
> > years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he
> > meant by that.
> >
> > Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little
> > Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.
> >
> > "You see, Miss Crabtree, out at the ranch we got this here low down
> > coyote. The last few nights, he done ate six hens and killed Ma's
> > best milk goat. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the
> > chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's
> > back again, I'm a gonna git him!''
> > "Stay back, he whispered to all us kids!"
> > "He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen
> > house he crawled, just like an *** on the snoop. Then, he stuck
> > that double barreled 12 gauge shot gun through the window of the
> > coop."
> > "As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old
> > hound dog, Zeke, had done woke up and comes sneaking' up behind
> > Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Zeke stuck his
> > cold nose in Daddy's crack!"
> > "Miss Crabtree, we all been cleanin' chickens since three
> > o'clock this mornin'!"
> >

Thanksgiving Trick

jd4fox23 — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 14:50:34 GMT

(I got a chuckle out of this!!)

One year at Thanksgiving, my Mom went to my Sister's house for the
traditional feast.Knowing how gullible my sister is, my Mom decided to play a trick.She told my sister that she needed something from the store.When my sister left,my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
Yep.................SHE'S BLONDE!

Age has it's advantages - 70-ish?

jd4fox23 — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 15:51:00 GMT

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

Now for Bush

kindagreywolf — Sat, 11 Oct 2008 10:55:37 GMT

    Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

    Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering ****** ever heard in the British Empire. The ****** shakes the coach. The smell is atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs over their nose, but the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident.
    The Queen turns to President Bush saying, 'Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control.'
    Bush, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replied, Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.'

Farmer buys a TV

kindagreywolf — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 00:48:50 GMT

A farmer finally decided to
buy a TV. The store assured him that they would install the antenna and
TV the next day.
The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only
McCain ads on every channel. The next morning he turned the TV on and
found only McCain ads again.
When he came in to eat lunch he tried the TV again but still only found
McCain ads.
The next day when he still found only McCain ads he called the store
to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for every channel to
only have McCain ads, but agreed to send their repairman to check the
TV.
When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer was
right. After looking at the TV for a while he went outside to check the
antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had found
the problem.
The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill and grounded to
the manure spreader

If the economy is hurting you, read this!!

kindagreywolf — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 17:18:39 GMT

Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.
He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.
The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50!
However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers,
"Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected.
I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."
The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

The Cajun

kindagreywolf — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 00:13:51 GMT

A Cajun named Paul Singh moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died."
"Well then, just give me my money back."
"I can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK then, just unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with em."
"I'm gonna raffle him off."
"Ya can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 apiece and made a profit of $898."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back."

Why did the chicken cross the road.

kindagreywolf — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 03:43:45 GMT

Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road , aaaah, because it was time for aaaaah, change! The chicken wanted aaaaah change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure - right from Day One! - that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

****** CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting ? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra.#@&&^(C%..........reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

We have all spoken with him

kindagreywolf — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 15:07:31 GMT

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.
The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready"
The manager said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow', this is Mujibar."
Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems.
No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.

Thats when the fight started

kindagreywolf — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 14:48:35 GMT

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left
my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That
silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my
Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.

And then the fight started...

==================================================================

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not
happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

And then the fight started..

Canine Letters To God

jd4fox23 — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 18:04:15 GMT

TO: GOD
FROM: THE DOG

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the' Chrysler Beagle'?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.

1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.

4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.

5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'.

8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.

9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.

10. I will not come i n from outside and immediately drag my butt.

11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.

12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

P.S. And, Oh Yes,
Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?
Thank You.

Engrish

kindagreywolf — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 06:24:23 GMT

See, how people write leave Applications.
It's murder of English language. But Too Funny.
Just Read It.
The Leave Applications

·   Infosys, Bangalore : An employee applied for leave as follows:

"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.."

·   This is from Oracle Bangalore: >From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:
"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."

·   Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

·   From H.A.L. Administration Dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

·   Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

·   An incident of a leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."

·   A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

·   Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

·   Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."

·   Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

·   Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

·   Letter writing:-
"I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."

·   A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'.... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

The Monastary

kindagreywolf — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 06:21:09 GMT

There is a story about a monastery perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.

One tourist got exceedingly nervous about halfway up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With trembling voice, he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope.

The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."

Minister Johnny

kindagreywolf — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 21:02:18 GMT

Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed
him "playing church" with their cat. He had the cat
sitting quietly and he was preaching to it.She smiled
and went about her work.

A while later,she heard loud meowing and hissing and
ran back to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the
cat in a tub of water.

She called out,"Johnny,stop that! The cat is afraid of water!"

Johnny looked up at her and said,
"He should have thought about that before he joined my church."

Marriage made in Heaven

kindagreywolf — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 04:47:09 GMT

A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily,
deliriously in love and due to be married the next day.

Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the oncoming lanes into
their car!

BOOM! And they both died.

At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter.

"Sir, you have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is
there any way we can be married in Heaven?"

"Hmmm," replied St. Peter, "I don't recall there ever
being a marriage in Heaven. Well, let's take it up with God and see
what he says."

So they approached God with their plea. God sat for a moment,
pondering the request. Then He looked down and said, "Come back in
five years and ask me again."

Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in
love than ever and pleading that he allow their marriage.

God paused for quite a while, musing over their request. Then
he spoke, "Come back in five years and ask me again."

And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the
presence of God, more in love than ever and begging God's
permission for the third time to marry. This time God smiled
broadly and thundered, "Yes my children, you may marry!"

Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge,
everyone thought the bride was simply breathtaking and the groom was
soooo handsome, and everyone was happy! Until...

Two years later, the couple was back before God, and things
were not looking so good. The couple had come to the realization
almost immediately that although marriages were made in heaven, they
didn't last very long there! And, in spite of their struggles to
come to terms with the situation, they had decided there simply was
no alternative but to get a divorce.

Black clouds fractured by lightening rolled across the sky, and
the groundshook with explosive thunder. God glared down at the
tiny couple before him, his face becoming dark and angry, and
he roared, "Divorce?! Impossible!!! It took us TEN years just to find
a priest in Heaven! Do you have any idea how long it will take to
find a LAWYER?!!"

The Pilots

kindagreywolf — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 02:56:38 GMT

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

Little Johnny

kindagreywolf — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 16:12:42 GMT

One day, during math class, the teacher asked Little Johnny, "If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many would you have?"
"Seven," replied Johnny.
"No, Johnny. Listen carefully this time. If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many would you have?" asked the teacher.
"Seven!" insisted Johnny.
"Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples, two apples and another two apples, how many would you have?" the teacher asked.
"Six," Johnny answered.
"Good, Johnny, that's right," said the teacher. "Now, if I give you two rabbits, two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many would you have?"
"Seven!" Johnny said.
"Johnny, how on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits would be seven?" asked the baffled teacher.
"Easy. I already have one rabbit at home now!" Johnny replied.

An Okie goes to heck

kindagreywolf — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 06:20:32 GMT

An Oklahoma farmer dies and -- being a heathen -- goes to Hell.

When he gets there, it's 95 degrees Fahrenheit with 90% humidity, but Satan notices the farmer is kicked back on the brimstone, relaxing comfortably.

He asks, "Why aren't you miserable like everyone else here?"

The farmer replies, "Oh, this is like a warm spring day in southern Oklahoma. I like it."

Angrily, Satan turns up the thermostat until it's 100 degrees and 95% humidity. Still, the farmer's happy. "This is like a good June day on the farm. Not bad at all."

Furious, Satan turns it up to 105 degrees and 99% humidity. Everyone is even more miserable, except the Oklahoma farmer, still resting.

"Hey, this is like a good August day on the farm bailing hay -- feels good -- the hotter the better."

In a total rage, Satan turns the thermostat down to minus 25 degrees. Within seconds, the air becomes chilly and frost appears, soon followed by solid ice everywhere. Satan smirks, watching the farmer.

The confused farmer looks down at the frozen ground for a moment, suddenly jumps up excitedly, looks around everywhere and begins to laugh, scream, and jump for joy.

"OSU WON A NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP!"

Journelism with a twist!

jd4fox23 — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 22:51:55 GMT

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into
the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket
and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her
screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square
on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion
jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her
terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says
"Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my
whole life".

"Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this
little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right".

"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you
know, and tomorr ow's papers will have this on the first page. What
motorcycle do you ride?"

The rider proudly replies, "A Harley Davidson."

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings
news of his actions, and reads, on first page:

BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.